A Shaky Heart; A Steadfast God

“He will have no fear of bad news;
his heart is steadfast trusting in the LORD.”
Psalm 112:7 (NIV)

Today is the second anniversary of James Bruce’s death. Just before that life-changing phone call from Rainbow Omega’s COO came on February 12, 2022, I had been working my way through the text of John 16, preparing to teach it in my weekly women’s Bible study the next Thursday. In context, Jesus is speaking to his beloved disciples just before he is arrested, tried, and crucified. He is trying to prepare them for the suffering that lies ahead.

The last entry I wrote in my journal that morning was my summary of John 16:

  • A coming separation

  • Confusion before clarity

  • Grief to joy

Only after the Rainbow Omega call did I realize that God was already using His Word to prepare me for James Bruce’s death. Looking back I saw that He had been preparing me for quite a while. Each year I select a focus or prayer verse for the coming year. In December 2021, I selected:

“He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast trusting in the Lord.” Psalm 112:7 (NIV)

For several weeks I had been praying for a steadfast heart, one that is fixed, firm, secure, and that trusts God. Our 2022 year began on a high note as our oldest son accepted a dream job. Two weeks later we were shaken when our son-in-law unexpectedly lost his job that he had held for fourteen years. Steadfast hearts were required as our family navigated both the highs and the lows of job gains and losses, the possibility of moves, and the uncertainty of change.

In the first moments following the news of James Bruce’s death, my life changed dramatically, but God didn’t. And He hasn’t changed in the two years since. The truths that firmly held Bruce and me for the 38 years and 12 days of our special needs parenting journey with James Bruce proved to be just as true in his death as they were in his life. Those truths included:

  • God is God and we are not.

  • God is sovereign; He reigns and rules.

  • God is able to do more than we can ask or think.

  • God is faithful.

  • Acceptance brings peace.

Elisabeth Elliot certainly understood suffering and grief. Her first husband Jim died on the mission field as a martyr at the hands of the Wuaroni people of Ecuador. Her second husband, Addison Leitch, died with cancer after only four short years of their marriage.

I once heard Elliot define suffering as “having what you don’t want or wanting what you don’t have.” I’ve yet to find a better definition of suffering. In her book Suffering is Never for Nothing, Elliot writes, “The deepest things that I have learned in my own life have come from the deepest suffering. And out of the deepest waters and the hottest fires have come the deepest things that I know about God. The greatest gifts of my life have also entailed the greatest suffering.”

During the last two years my heart has at times been quite shaky,  but my God has not. In the darkest nights, I could do nothing but pray, “God, hold me close.” And He did. At other times I prayed, “Don’t let me go.” And He didn’t. God promises to be near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) and He has.

My five-year-old granddaughter asked me the other day, “Mia, what do you think Brucie is doing in heaven?”

“I think he’s singing, happy, and whole,  Mary Clayton. ” I responded.

Grief and gratitude now run together as our family remembers our loss, but also experiences God’s sufficient grace. We bear witness that God’s presence with us has been enough for us in this season of suffering and sorrow. God continues to use both James Bruce’s life and death in ways that I will never be able to fully explain or comprehend.  We give thanks for the gift of James Bruce and the steadfastness of God.

Words are truly inadequate to express our gratitude for the many expressions of kindness extended to our family over the last two years. Each card, prayer, gift, text, and phone call has been a God-given tender mercy for which we are grateful.

The Apostle Peter writing to persecuted Christians who were suffering for their faith finished his second pastoral letter with these words: “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.” (2 Peter 5:10)
Our suffering is never for nothing!

griefDonna EvansGratitude, special needs parenting, God