All I Want
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures." Psalm 23:1 (NIV)
Last week was really physically and emotionally challenging for me and by Friday afternoon I was really spent. My calendar had been marked for months with an out of town Special Ones Moms' retreat for Friday night and Saturday. Between my aunt's funeral and Mama's decline, I had every reason not to go and every intention to stay here. My husband Bruce, however, insisted on me going.
"It'll do you good and the younger moms who think their lives are over because they now have special needs kids need your encouragement. Besides, go learn something!" Bruce said. If you haven't figured out by now that I'm married to a saint, then let me be clear: that man is a saint!
My sister promised she'd text or call if something happened to Mama. Friday afternoon was a beautiful day and the drive down I 65 was unusually easy for a Friday afternoon. I found myself feeling lighter and lighter as I drove and listened to a Tim Keller podcast. A Tim Keller sermon is always a good idea.
I arrived at the conference center about 5PM and immediately was greeted by Special Ones folks who all together said, "We've been praying for you." Everyone wanted an update on how things really were for both Mama and James Bruce. The good news is that we think we've located a local day sheltered program for James Bruce, but we don't have a start date and things, while promising, aren't 100% guaranteed.
Our conference theme for the weekend was "running the race" and the conference verse was Hebrews 12:1-2. Those are two of my favorite verses because the anonymous author of Hebrews encourages us to have a fixed focus and a faithful finish as we each run the race that God sets before us. My heart sank as I read the opening page of the conference packet. I didn't want to talk about running a race. I'd been running on adrenaline and fumes all week and all I really wanted to do was rest.
Ashley Belknap, Director of Engaging Disabilities Ministry PCA, was our conference speaker. Ashley is a 36 year old mother of three special needs sons all under the age of seven. Her husband John is a family practice physician in Mississippi. The Belknaps enjoy an expanding hobby farm that has a garden, heritage egg-laying hens, honeybees, and a few Dexter cows. Just reading her bio made me more tired!
Imagine my surprise when Ashley instructed us to turn to our conference text Psalm 23. If you've been reading Bible Bits over the last few months, you know all too well that Psalm 23 is my "go to" scripture passage for my visits with Mama. As I turned to the beloved text, I marveled that out of all the passages in the Bible, God led this speaker that I'd never met to spend three sessions exploring the depths of a passage I've been in for months. Surely, it wasn't an accident. I breathed a little easier as I leaned in to listen and learn.
It turns out that Ashley Belknap actually has experience working with sheep. She hasn't just read other people's books about sheep (Phillip Keller, Thomas Brooks, or Margaret Feinberg all have insightful books). Ashley has first hand knowledge of shepherding and shearing sheep. With that background, Ashley focused on Psalm 23:1c: "He makes me lie down in green pastures." Lying down implies rest, but what allows a sheep lie down?
Four conditions that make it possible for sheep to lie down:
freedom from fear
freedom from friction or strife with others
freedom from pests (like flies or parasites)
freedom from hunger
Ashley asked us to consider each element from a special needs mom's perspective:
What do I most fear?
Where do I encounter the most relational friction or strife in my special needs parenting?
What are some of the pests that distract or disrupt my rest or keep me from lying down?
What am I doing to feed my hunger for fellowship or time in God's Word?
Almost all of the moms agreed that our #1 fear is "What happens to my child after I'm gone?" Most attendees agreed that social media was a pest that disrupted, distracted, or disturbed our rest as we looked at others' picture perfect lives. The other questions and their answers were as varied as the moms who gave them. It was a time of tears, vulnerability, and building community as we bore one another's burdens by listening, crying, and laughing together.
Whenever I attend a retreat, either as an attendee or conference speaker, I'm always looking for a "gold nugget" of truth, something to give me help or hope for whatever task lies in front of me. All of Ashley's insights and questions regarding rest could have been my gold nugget, but they weren't. My gold nugget came when Ashley shared a cute story from teaching four year old Sunday School in Mississippi. Ashley was listening to a little girl's memory verse from Psalm 23:1 "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want." That's what she expected the child to say. Instead, she heard,
"The Lord is my shepherd; that's all I want."
Out of the mouths of babes, that's the whole point of Psalm 23.
"The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want!" Oh, that those words would be our words and that child's heart would be our heart!