Grief Share
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:3 (NIV)
I was 9 years old when I first heard the word "suicide." The word was spoken in hushed tones as the moms in our neighborhood discussed the recent death of a classmate's mom. For most of us, suicide still evokes hushed tones, shock, and especially stigma. Suicide is now, however, the fourth leading cause of death for people in the 35-54 age group and the second leading cause of death for people in the 35-54 age group. The United States suicide rate increased 33% from 1999-2017 and has risen sharply since 2006. It's a pretty safe bet that if you don't already know someone affected by suicide, you will.
The last two weeks have been really hard. We went to church on Sunday and worshipped with many of the same class members that we've known and come to love over the last thirty years. Monday night the news came that one of the men in our Sunday School community had committed suicide. We, of course, along with a host of other church and community members, were blind sided as well as devastated by the news. The questions started rising faster than the ocean surf at high tide: Why did he do it? What happened? We just saw him on Sunday morning; he seemed fine at the time. How did we miss this? What about his wife, four adult children, and two grandchildren?
Food is my love language. I suppose it's genetic from my Granny and my Mama. Granny's motto was "If you come, I'll cook" and so we went to her farm most Sundays. Cooking was my Mama's Prozac before there was Prozac. As kids we knew when Mama was upset. We'd come home from school and her kitchen counters would be lined with cakes or pies. After cooking the goodies, Mama would gift them and thus work her way out of whatever was bothering her. Tuesday morning, I made my Granny's pound cake, my "go to comfort food," and began helping to organize a post memorial meal for 60-80 relatives and close friends. Somehow the "doing" helped my grief even though I cried as I cooked.
The memorial service was truly one of the most amazing services that I have personally witnessed. Our sanctuary was packed with people. College teammates, little league coaches, extended family members, and four children testified to a man well loved and a life well lived. His wife's eulogy was particularly moving as she shared her husband's love for Christ, His Church, and the Gospel. Emphatically she declared, "The last three days do not define his life."
Our Senior Pastor then spoke about our friend and the questions surrounding a self inflicted death. Bruce and I had both wondered how our pastor would handle the service, but he tackled it head on with a series of hard questions and answers regarding the issue of suicide. Using Romans 7:14-20 as his text, our pastor provided some much needed biblical clarity and even comfort on the issue of suicide. His entire message in both audio and PDF form is available on the Briarwood web site. You can access it at briarwood.org/jennings. I won't attempt to give all of our pastor’s remarks, but I do want to highlight his framework for some questions that all of us probably have had at one time or another.
1. Is taking one's own life a sin? Yes....Very clearly the sixth commandment says 'you shall not murder' and that includes taking our own life.
2. Is it the unpardonable sin? No, the unpardonable sin as given to us by Jesus occurs when the Holy Spirit is working on us, calling us to Christ, and we say 'No' to him....The reason suicide is not the unpardonable sin is because we are saved not by how well we do, but what Jesus did perfectly for us on the cross.
3. Even though our sins can be forgiven, there may be lasting consequences that cannot be walked back. Suicide is certainly included in this category.
Our minister closed his remarks regarding our friend's life and death with not only pastoral but also personal reflections on his friendship with our friend. "There is no such thing as a root without fruit and there was all kinds of fruit that showed me where the root was in this man's life... So I have no doubt where Rob is, not because he lived a perfect life or that he was a sinner saved by grace. I know where he is because he knows Jesus and Jesus knows him....Eternity is secure because of Jesus, not because of us."
Three days later our pastoral care minister shared some important Grief Share principles with our grieving Sunday School community. His remarks were also helpful and very practical. Some of those highlights include the following:
"Suicide is relatively rare, but when it occurs it is often traumatic for family members and friends. They will experience difficulties that caregivers need to remember.
Anger will be challenging. They need our patience.
Shame will be present. They need our presence.
“Why?” will be a common question. They need our peace.
God is indeed, the God of all comfort. I am grateful for the truth of His Word, the power of His Spirit, the community of other believers, and faithful pastors who, by God's grace, were able to bring clarity, comfort, and truth to all of us who were struggling with my friend's death. You can access this helpful resource at briarwood.org/jennings.