Fear of Not Enough
"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He; I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you." Isaiah 46:4 (NIV)
As most of you know, I retired in October after 35 years of service. At my retirement reception a co-worker asked me what I planned to do with my time. "Babies and books!" I replied quickly.
Two months later I can truthfully say that retirement is proving to be much different than what I expected. Most of life is like that. I can honestly say that I haven't missed my 35 year job at all. I can also truthfully say that the "babies" past of retirement has been and continues to bring great joy. But just as truthfully, I can unequivocally state that I never anticipated my "babies" caregiving role to include my almost 92 year old Mama. Her caregiving needs, even with the blessing of an assisted living facility, continue to remind me that her body and mind are slowly failing her. It's hard not to notice the similarities between Mama's current physical needs and those of our 8 week old granddaughter Mary Clayton. Both are utterly dependent on someone else to feed, clothe, bathe, and care for them. However, I expect to carry on a one-way conversation with baby Mary Clayton; I never expected to do that with my Mama. Her silence and solitude and my sorrow and grief grow with each passing day as her memory slips further and further from us.
Caring for Mary Clayton is a great joy, but I am struggling to "count it all joy" (James 1:2) in caring for Mama. Truthfully my heart churns and burns much more than it rejoices in our suffering. This week as I've laid both my heart and my circumstances before the Lord in prayer, I recognized two familiar discouragement triggers: fear and frustration. I have many fears, but the "fear of not enough" is the main one. Not enough time, not enough hands, and not enough resources. My frustration mounts as I crave the time and solitude that is necessary to write and write well.
God hasn't answered my prayers by changing my circumstances, but He is slowly changing my heart. He has been gracious to bring comfort in sending just the right word to encourage and strengthen me for the caregiving tasks at hand. "Right words" have come from several different sources: God's Word, a song, and a Christmas card. Each word continues to provide comfort and strength for my churning heart.
Because Mama no longer initiates a conversation, I was struggling with our awkward silence. Scripture is now filling that void. We are reading through the Psalms and yesterday's reading was from Psalm 46:
God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.... (Psalm 46:1-3_
God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. (Psalm 46:5)
Mama smiled when I told her that Psalm 46:5 is my new daily prayer verse for her especially since she's had not one, but two, falls this week.
The second word of encouragement came from Kristene DeMarco's beautiful song "It is Well" (Bethel Music). Part of the song's lyrics are based on Horatio Stafford's hymn It is Well With My Soul. New lyrics have been added for the chorus and I've been singing these words all week:
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on you
Through it all, through it all
It is well
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on you
And it is well with me.
Another encouraging word arrived in a dear friend's Christmas card. Recently widowed, Jane referenced a quote from H.E. Manning, "Neither go back in fear and misgiving to the past nor in anxiety and forecasting to the future, but lie quiet under His hand, having no will but His." Manning's words are a good word for this season of my life.
Finally, each Advent season, I read through the book of Isaiah in preparation for Christmas. This week when I read today's verse "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He; I am He who will sustain you," God's words met me at my point of greatest need. The Lord who is the great "I AM" says "I will!" He who made me- and Mama- WILL sustain and carry us, no matter our circumstances. With that truth ringing in my head and heart, I can and WILL declare:
"It is well with me!"