Grief and Good Advice
“Surely He has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows.” Isaiah 53:4 (ESV)
I was 25 years old and pregnant with our first child when my husband accepted a head coaching job in another city. We moved to a small town with 12,000 people when our daughter was only five weeks old. We didn’t have any family or close friends nearby, but Bruce said I would love the town because it had a church and a drugstore on every corner. The “drugstore on every corner” meant that I should eventually be able to find work as a relief pharmacist if I decided to return to work. We began visiting local churches and finally settled on attending a small PCA church plant that was meeting in an old car dealership. I can still remember getting my high heels (yes, we really did wear Sunday dresses and heels to church back then!!) accidentally stuck in the oil grate in front of the church altar!
While the church building itself was less than desirable, the church members were warm and caring. One older woman stood out in particular for me. Kathy was from a fairly well-to-do family and the mother of three adult children and one teenage son. She belonged to every women’s club in town: Bridge club, Christian women’s club, Study club, and of course the local Country club. Kathy was very generous with her time, money, and hospitality, frequently opening her home for visiting missionaries, women’s brunches, church potlucks, and small group Bible studies. She was soft spoken and had a wonderful way of putting folks immediately at ease, always wanting to hear about you and your interests instead of her own.
Kathy really wasn’t one to offer a lot of unsolicited advice, but one day she gave me a pearl of wisdom that has served me well over the last forty years. Her words were few, but profound and practical: “Weddings and funerals, you go!” I’m ashamed to say I don’t even remember the context of our conversation, but I still remember those five important words. Later when I asked Kathy to explain, she simply said that if ever I was in doubt about whether or not to attend a wedding or funeral, I should, if possible, heed her advice. Kathy went on to explain, “People don’t care as much about what you say or send; by going you give them the gift of your presence.”
Meredith’s wedding in 2009 and James Bruce’s recent memorial service have both given me additional perspective for Kathy’s advice. I just needed people to come, to be with us, and to bear witness first to a marriage and new family being established and second to a life well-lived. Dan Roberts once said, “You can fake caring, but you can’t fake showing up!” It’s another way of saying, “Weddings and funerals, you go!”
Many of you have kindly and gently asked, “How are you doing?” Overall, most days we are doing much better than we were during the immediate days following James Bruce’s death. Fortunately, Bruce and I received some very practical grief advice from one of our church pastors. After planning James Bruce’s memorial service, Mark said he was leaving us with one word: “deer.”
I looked at Mark and asked, “Dear what?”
To which he replied: “D-E-E-R.” It’s an acronym that stands for:
Drink
Eat
Exercise
Rest
“That’s how you get through this grief. You drink, eat, exercise, and rest a little every day.”
Honestly, in those first few days, the drink/hydrate with water was the only action I actually accomplished, but the DEER acronym at least increased my awareness of my need for all four actions.
Following our initial acute grief, some of Mark’s other Grief Share wisdom also came to mind:
Everybody’s grief is different.
Grief can make people feel crazy.
Grief “fog” is normal. Expect some confusion.
Don’t compare your grief to someone else’s.
Death ends a life, not a relationship.
Last week attending a friend’s elderly father’s funeral, the pastor who led the service suggested “4Ts” to help us get through our grief: Time, Tears, Talking, and Trusting God. I am finding his suggestions are also helpful.
Most of us do everything we can to avoid the subject of grief perhaps hoping we can avoid it all together. But the fact is that all of us if we live long enough will have to deal with it sooner or later. Grief is the high price of love.
Bruce and I are so very grateful for each kindness and grace extended. Your Gift of Presence has been felt from Canada to Florida and many places in between. We can now testify with author Isabelle Fleece who writes, “God’s grace is always sufficient, but it’s no anesthetic for the pain. It still hurts.” (Not by Accident)
Indeed, it does, but God’s power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9) and He meets us at our point of greatest need. He is always enough.