Grief Notes Wrap-Up
“Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows”
Isaiah 53:3 ESV
My daughter’s birthday was this past weekend and the occasion gave me time to remember what it was like to give birth to her all those years ago. I remembered the unspeakable wonder and joy at seeing Meredith for the very first time, holding her, and fiercely loving her from that first breath. In the beginning, I numbered Meredith’s days, eventually counted her weeks, and finally counted her months as time passed and she grew. Now, of course, we count her years.
What was true for Meredith’s birth, has been just as true for James Bruce’s death. At first, I counted the days from his death on February 12; eventually I counted the weeks; and now we are counting the months:
3 ½.
Today’s post is the last of my journaled Grief Notes. These are some grief gold nuggets that have helped us or are helping us get through our grief. To be sure, this side of heaven Bruce and I will never get over James Bruce’s death. Grief changes you, but by God’s grace, we are getting through our grief and making progress.
Progress is sometimes measured in small steps. For me, it took just a few days to return to the cemetery and visit James Bruce’s grave. Bruce wasn’t ready to go until last Friday. But just his going was progress.
Overall, Bruce and I are doing much better and slowly adjusting to our new “normal.” I find myself identifying more and more with author Tim Challies who suddenly lost his 20-year old son in November 2020. He writes:
“The unbearably sharp pain of those earliest days and months has over time given way to something that is perhaps closer to a dull ache. The loss still hurts, but not quite as badly as it once did. I still cry, but not every day. The path is still hard, but not as hard as it was months or even weeks ago. If time does not heal all wounds, it does, at least, soothe them.”
I’ve previously written about grief triggers, those times when grief appears suddenly without warning. Last Thursday’s night’s VHHS Rebels high school spring game was a grief trigger. I had no sooner gotten out of my car in the school parking lot before someone greeted me with a hug and said, “I’m so sorry about James Bruce.” The same thing happened the next morning in the grocery store at Publix. Grief triggers should be expected and unexpected tears are OK.
If you are the one grieving, here are a few strategies or tips that have helped me so far:
You can’t carry anyone else’s grief besides your own so don’t even try.
Grief fog is real.
DEER (drink, eat, exercise, and rest) every day really works and helps.
Don’t be afraid to have boundaries. Two days after James Bruce died my sweet daughter confiscated both my cell phone and my home phone. Meredith physically blocked my front door for one hour to let me have an hour of uninterrupted quiet and respite. Some of my best friends insisted on seeing me “just for a minute.” Meredith prevailed, however, by insisting, “Mama needs some rest.” That hour was a great gift as I gathered my thoughts for the next days ahead.
The same steadfast hope practical tips that have helped me hold onto steadfast hope in seasons of waiting have also helped me in this season of suffering and grief. These include:
Facing my fears
Feeding my soul
Fixing my gaze on Christ (or Keep my eyes up!)
Remember we have a Savior who waits and weeps with us.
Short prayers are long enough. “God hold me close” (Psalm 34:18) is my “go to” prayer in the middle of the night when sleep is often elusive, and the nights can be long.
It has helped me to turn the television off and the praise music up as I cook, clean, or write thank you notes. John Stott wrote a whole book on Your Mind Matters. Indeed, it does so feed it well!
Let people love you the way they want to love you. If they want to bring dinner, let them. If they want to help in other ways, let them help. They are working through their grief also.
Don’t be afraid to tell people what will BEST help you. So many people asked us, “What can we do to help?” It was hard at first to be specific, but if there is something that really would help you, let them know. For me, after four days of continuous food, not one person had brought fruit or a salad. The next time someone called saying, “What can I do to help?” I answered truthfully, “A salad or some fruit would be great!” And it was!
Try to take every thought captive to Christ, especially those thoughts that could become bitter as in “Where was…?” “What if…” “If only…” or “Why??” questions. Unanswered questions may always be unanswered on this side of heaven. It helps to take every thought captive to Christ and trust Him with both the questions and the answers.
Gratitude helps. Writing personal thank you notes has been a huge help in our grief process.
Writing helps too. “There are eyes in pencils and pens.” (John Piper) Journaling has helped me think my way through the grief fog.
Remember, rehearse, recall the things you know to be true. For me, remembering my good friend Laura Black’s last words to me in 2012 continue to be a great comfort, “No matter what happens, remember God is always good and we are always loved.”
Choose your grief resources wisely. Nancy Guthrie’s Holding onto Hope; Tim Keller’s Walking with God through Pain and Suffering; Elisabeth Elliot’s A Path through Suffering; C.S. Lewis A Grief Observed; and Jerry Sittser’s A Grace Disguised were all helpful grief resources for me personally.
James Bruce’s death has provided an unexpected opportunity to talk to my grandchildren about hard topics. Of course, his life did that as well. I’ve written before about answering questions such as “Why is Brucie’s brain broken?” But his sudden death provided a number of teaching opportunities to discuss topics such as God’s sovereignty, heaven, salvation, hope, and God’s ability to use all things for our good and for His glory.
Gradually find someone else to serve. Take a meal, make a phone call, mail a card or volunteer at a non-profit such as Big Oak Ranch. Serving someone else takes the focus off of us and forces us to look outside ourselves.
For Christians, there is hope beyond the grave and I can truthfully say my gratitude is now greater than my grief. I am sure there will always be a hole in my heart, but I am so grateful for James Bruce’s life and the fact that God chose me to be his Mama. God truly is the God of all comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3) and His grace is indeed sufficient. Bruce and I continue to pray that God will use both James Bruce’s life and death for His glory and are convinced now more than ever that God never wastes our suffering.