Grief Responders
"Comfort one another.” 2 Corinthians 13:11 (ESV)
One of my favorite television shows is the CBS hit drama Blue Bloods. The storyline centers around the Reagans, a family with a four-generation history of New York Police Department (NYPD) officers. Blue Bloods’ title has a double meaning: the blue aspect refers specifically to the NYPD uniform and police work is in the Reagan family's blood line across generations. Working for the NYPD isn't just a job for Reagan family members; it's a legacy.
A frequent topic at the weekly Reagan family dinner table is the subject of "first responders." These individuals are usually the first people on the scene of a crisis or emergency. Firefighters respond to help with fires; EMTs help with medical emergencies; and police officers are usually the first to respond to crimes and accidents.
In one harrowing Blue Bloods episode, Officer Jamie Reagan tells another officer, "We're the crazy ones Eddie! Most people run away from danger. We're trained to run to it!"
When James Bruce died, Bruce and I had our own first responders. Our community pastor Bobby and his wife Jan insisted on coming to our home that night and showed up despite my multiple protests. Honestly, our collective grief was so intense, I didn’t want anyone else here besides my immediate family.
“We’re not going to stay, but we want to pray with you,” they said firmly.
Once they arrived, Bobby and Jan hugged us tightly as all our tears flowed freely in my kitchen. Bobby began praying, but he couldn’t get anything out except tears and cries of deep anguish. His wife Jan jumped in and began praying for us with one of the sweetest, most heartfelt prayers I’ve ever heard. It was a holy ground moment for me because, as another friend observed, “James Bruce changed the way we prayed.” Indeed, he did. I will always be grateful for their immediate presence and prayers. They were Grief First Responders.
There are several other kinds of Grief Responders, and each one is needed at some point in our grief journeys.
Rapid Responders are the folks who react quickly by providing meals and offering support for whatever needs to be done. These dear friends brought everything from paper products to new porch ferns that replaced my frozen ones!
Support Responders are those who come alongside you in the days immediately following the funeral. One young mom brought a pound cake (my favorite comfort food) and a pot of fresh coffee after her school carpool one morning. Her visit and tears refreshed and encouraged me greatly.
Long-term Responders are the folks who continue to check in after the initial shock has subsided. One thoughtful anonymous person left one hundred postage stamps in my mailbox to help with writing thank you notes. Several women took me to lunch and just let me talk.
Following James Bruce’s death, I purposed to be a better Grief Responder and made journal notes on the things that best helped us get through those first painful days, weeks, and months.
Prayer helps. Don’t just pray for the grieving person, but also pray with her.
Hugs and tears help too.
Acknowledge their loss as a loss. It is!
When visiting, purpose to do more listening than talking.
Keep your visit short. Grief is exhausting.
Instead of asking, “How are you doing?” ask “How are you doing today?”
If in doubt, go! Your presence is a gift of comfort to those who are grieving and shows you care enough to come.
This week I had an opportunity to be a Grief First Responder. One of the women in my current Bible study suffered a heart attack and died suddenly on Wednesday morning. I remembered what had most helped us in our grief, so I prayed, made a pound cake, and took a Seasons of Sorrow book to her husband on Thursday after Bible study. That visit was as much for me as it was for him. Linda, wasn’t just in my Bible study; she was also on my Flower Guild team. We had recently worked together on a guild member’s funeral flowers following Kendall’s short battle with an aggressive cancer. Linda was a living example of what we’d been studying for ten weeks in the book of Hebrews. She finished her life’s race faithfully with a fixed focus and a firm stand. Linda served on the Missions Committee, volunteered at Save a Life, planned church retirement receptions, and allowed 21 Briarwood Fellows to live in her home during their gap year. Each Fellow’s stay required a nine month commitment from the host home. That’s a lot of hospitality!! I knew that when she stepped into eternity, she was welcomed with, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” (Matthew 25:21)
All of us need First Responders and all of us, at some point, can be someone else's First Responder: someone who runs toward the need of the moment instead of running away from it.
Who do you know that needs a first response from you?