Remorse or Repentance
"All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God...against you and you only have I sinned and done what was evil in your sight." Romans 3:23, Psalm 51:4 (NIV)
Thursday was a really hard day. I began my morning with the whole day ahead of me and nothing on my calendar for the first time in weeks, maybe months. No work, no appointment, nothing to do for Mama, and James Bruce safely deposited at Camp ASCCA (a camp for adults with special needs) for the week. Bruce brought me coffee in bed and I had a really good quiet time and Bible study. I relaxed and breathed deep wistfully thinking "this must be how most empty nesters live!." Suddenly my cell phone rang with no caller ID and a phone number that I didn't recognize. I almost didn't answer it thinking it was another political survey. "Dadeville" didn't ring a bell, but something (or SomeOne) said, "Answer it." I did and immediately wished I hadn't.
"Mrs. Evans, this is Mac at Camp ASCCA. James Bruce has gotten in trouble here at camp and we need you to come and get him." And just like that, my heart and my day crashed and burned.
I quickly got dressed, found Bruce, and explained what had happened. James Bruce deliberately kicked another camper and was being sent home. Neither Bruce nor I could imagine what motivated him to do that, but we totally understood the need for participant safety, no matter the venue. We couldn't explain or rationalize his behavior no matter how hard we tried to on the almost two hour drive to Jackson's Gap. We also had no idea on the best course of action once we got there. Just talking to James Bruce didn't seem appropriate. Shaming him; putting him in his room when we returned home; restricting his beloved movies or music??? What was the best way forward to help him understand that kicking another camper- especially a girl- is unacceptable behavior?
All the way down, my heart churned and burned, not just with anger and frustration with James Bruce, but with God. Camp ASCCA didn't just represent 5 days of fun for James Bruce; it was also 5 days of guilt free respite for us as his parents. Now it was suddenly over and that door was probably closed forever. My mind raced ahead with 101 "what ifs?" for the years ahead. Quite honestly, I had a major pity party. Bruce patiently listened as I vented my fears and frustration. He just kept driving and reassuring me, "God knows where we are." I never doubted God's knowing where we are; I simply wondered if He cared and if He cared, why didn't He do something about it?
We finally arrived at Camp ASCCA. James Bruce's camp counselor brought him out and just kept apologizing for our inconvenience. We, on the other hand, kept apologizing for James Bruce's unacceptable behavior. For his part, James Bruce was unusually quiet and actually seemed contrite on the long ride home. Once home James Bruce went to his room and stayed there all afternoon even though we didn't tell him to do so. Uncharacteristically for him, he didn't ask for his beloved movies or Alexa to play his favorite songs. It was as if he was choosing his own punishment without us choosing it for him.
"James Bruce knows he's in trouble," I said to Bruce. "Oh he knows alright," Bruce responded. "He knows he really messed up."
Throughout Thursday afternoon I reflected on James Bruce's guilt and apparent contrition. He instinctively recognized his sin and knew he was wrong to kick another camper. While limited intellectually, his God-given conscience convicted him of his wrong-doing. Bruce and I didn't have to convince him; James Bruce instinctively knew it.
Throughout the afternoon as I listened to congressional hearings surrounding disgraced FBI agent Peter Strozk's actions I was struck by the stark contrast between James Bruce and Mr. Strozk. During his ten-hour congressional hearing regarding his own behavior as an adulterous husband and a biased government employee, Peter Strozk refused to admit that he had done anything wrong. Partisan politics aside, how many of us would ever try to excuse, much less justify, 50,000 personal texts on our employer's cell phone on our employer's time. Throughout his testimony, Mr. Strozk expressed regret for the consequences, but never responsibility or repentance for his actions. The first step toward real repentance is an actual recognition of our sin. The second is accepting personal responsibility for our sin. In other words, owning our sin and calling it what it is: "sin."
King David certainly understood infidelity, abusing one's governmental authority, and the devastating consequences that those actions bring. David didn't just commit adultery with Bathsheba. He betrayed her husband Uriah, one of David's own 37 mighty men, intentionally had Uriah killed and then covered up his own sin in order to avoid the consequences. Not until the prophet Nathan confronted him a year later, did David acknowledge and confess his sin, repent, and accept the consequences of his actions. Psalm 51 is David's repentant response begging God to "blot out his transgressions, wash away his iniquity, and cleanse him from all his sin." (Psalm 51:1) In Psalm 51:9, David boldly prays for God to hide His face from David's sin, but not to hide David from God's presence. By recognizing and accepting responsibility for his own sin, David teaches us a great spiritual truth: All sin is ultimately against God himself. It is cosmic treason and an assassination of God's holy character.
The Apostle Paul writing to Roman Christians reminds us "all of us have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." The particular offense- physically kicking a camper; marital infidelity; abuse of government power or resources; or cultivating a churning and burning, anxious heart- are all sins in God's eyes. And while our sins may differ, the path toward restoration is the same for us as it was for King David. Repentance - a true recognition of our sin, accepting personal responsibility, and confessing our sin- makes possible restoration with both God and man. Restoration is always the goal of repentance.
All of us are very familiar with sin, regret, and remorse. Oh, that we would be people who recognize our sin; accept personal responsibility for it; and are quick to repent echoing David's words, "Against you and you only have I sinned and done what was evil in your sight."
Category: Special Needs parenting
Tag: