Special Needs: Five Triggers of Discouragement
"What are you doing here, Elijah?
...I have had enough, Lord."
1 Kings 19:9, 4 (NIV)
Recently I was privileged to speak to a group of special needs parents at another local church. I am always grateful for the opportunity to interact with special needs parents. In our 36 year special needs parenting journey with James Bruce, the road has often seemed lonely and isolated. And while I always hope to encourage or equip other special needs parents, the truth is that I am usually the one who benefits the most. Bruce and I continue to meet some amazing people whose parenting journey is usually much tougher than our own. I am usually the one who comes home much more encouraged, equipped, and grateful.
Last night I shared a little about my testimony, our family history, James Bruce's birth and multiple diagnosis- autism, mild mental retardation, Chromosome 15 genetic anomaly, and seizure disorder. Not surprisingly, most of the parents there also had multiple special needs challenges with their children. I've learned through trial and error that most special needs parents, unlike typical parents, actually want to hear "success" stories about someone else's children. "Success" to a special needs parent has a very different meaning than success to a typical parent. Success for a special needs parent usually include developing some form of acceptable communication; verbal, typing, sign, or otherwise. Special needs parents long for potty training skills, learning to ride a bicycle, developing social skills, and obtaining a transition placement after "aging out"as opposed to graduating from high school. The "success" longings can be as diverse as the parents and children themselves, but one thing is sure: the longing is there. So is the fear and the fatigue that comes with special needs parenting. With every 'success," there is another obstacle to face or hill to climb. More fear, frustration, and fatigue.
And so I tell James Bruce stories. When James Bruce was five years old, his Daddy challenged me to quit praying that God would make James Bruce "normal," (we didn't even know the word "typical" back then), and to start praying that God would use JB for His glory. That challenge, of course, made me angry at both God and Bruce. I angrily asked, "How is God ever going to use this???" But over the last 31 years, God has used James Bruce in some pretty amazing ways. We helped to start the disability ministry in our own church. Our ministry recently hosted a national Disability conference and 450 churches wanted more information on the "how to start and maintain" a disability ministry. The Vestavia Hills High School SGA generously showered James Bruce's United Ability Center with a completed gift list and a $23,000 check. We were able to be short-term missionaries for 22 months to a Hungarian family with two special needs children who were temporarily living in Vestavia. Our "stories for God's glory" list goes on and on. But the biggest way God used James Bruce was in my own life as I realized that this was something I couldn't fix and over which I have absolutely no control. I can't work hard enough or make it happen. I can only keep pressing hard into God knowing that God is always enough for whatever we face.
The truth is that all of our parenting is like that. Special Needs parents just are more acutely aware of that reality. Still, we work as though the outcome depends on us and pray as though it all depends on God. We engage therapists to change what can be changed. We pray to accept what can't be changed. We put our kids on placement lists; sign up for Special Needs camps; attend caregiver support groups; search for the latest treatments. And pray that God won't waste the suffering (Nehemiah 9:32)
Through our years of speaking to other parents, I've also come to realize that while my James Bruce stories may entertain, inspire, or encourage other parents, only one thing absolutely guarantees that it won't fail. God promises that His Word will not return empty without accomplishing the purposes for which He sent it. (Isaiah 55:11) In other words, God guarantees that His Word will bear a fruitful harvest. That's why I always want to ground whatever I share in God's Word.
Last night we discussed the five triggers for discouragement as found in 1 Kings 19. In that passage, the prophet Elijah has just experienced a mountaintop victory by defeating the prophets of Baal. 24 hours later, Elijah is on the run and praying that God will end his life. When confronted with God's question, "Why are you here?," Elijah responds, "I have had enough!" Perhaps you can relate to Elijah's honesty; I certainly do.
Read 1 Kings 19 and you'll quickly discover the five triggers for discouragement:
Fear (1 Kings 19:3)
Fatigue (1 Kings 19:5)
Frustration (1 Kings 19:14)
Failure (1 Kings 19:10)
Loss of focus (1 Kings 19:14)
All of us deal with discouragement at some point. Recognizing potential triggers is half the battle to overcoming discouragement. But it's not enough to simply acknowledge fear, frustration, fatigue, failure, or loss of focus. We need to honestly take them to God and allow Him to meet us at our point of greatest need. Read 1 Kings 19 and you'll see that God did just that for Elijah. God supernaturally provided food and rest for Elijah's fatigue. He addressed Elijah's frustration, failure and loss of focus by assuring him that Elijah wasn't the only one left in Israel. Indeed God had 7000 others who still worshipped the true and living God. Elijah's fear was replaced with faith as God assured him of His presence and gave him a vision for his next phase of ministry.
Wherever we are today, God still asks each of us the same question he asked Elijah: "What are you doing here?" How will we respond? Fear and frustration cry, "I have had enough Lord!" Faith responds by trusting God to always be enough for the task at hand. We can choose faith or fear, but we can’t choose them both at the same time!
O Lord, help me choose faith.
Amen and Amen,
Donna