Build With the End In Mind
“The wise woman builds her house, but with
her own hands the foolish tears hers down.”
Proverbs 14:1 (NIV)
Friday night was Mom’s Night for the 2024 VHHS varsity football moms. I was privileged to speak to over 130 moms on the topic of building relationships. Today’s Bible Bits post is taken from that talk.
In the almost three years since he was hired as the head football coach at our local high school, “Build with the end in mind” has been my son’s mantra. What is true for a building a successful athletic program is also true for our parenting. We begin with the end in mind, and we get to work building because building is hard work.
The Bible actually has a lot to say about building. Surprisingly, the word “build” is used approximately 375 times in the Bible. Noah built an ark; Solomon built a temple; Nehemiah built walls in Jerusalem, and Christ is building His Church. Throughout his New Testament letters, the Apostle Paul exhorts Christians to “build up one another” (Ephesians 4:29, 1 Thessalonians 5:11).
Raising our four children, I was constantly challenged by the words of Proverbs 14:1. The critical question to ask ourselves daily is simply: “Am I building or am I tearing down?”
We build with our actions, our attitudes, and most of all, our words. Proverbs 14:1, however, doesn’t just remind us that the wise woman builds; it warns us that the foolish woman tears down. We tear down the same way we build: with our actions, attitudes, and words. And I know from raising four kids, I could spend 3 weeks building a teenager up and tear it all down in 15 seconds with a few rotten or careless words.
Unfortunately, our community witnessed a total tear-down last week. Two prominent high school football coaches in another local community spent years building their very successful careers. They destroyed them with their own hands in just a few minutes. It’s so much easier to tear down than it is to build.
So how do we build successful relationships? We build and encourage others with:
Acceptance
Affirmation
Affection
Availability
Accessibility
Our job as parents is to encourage our children both on and off the field; it’s not to coach them on the field. And oh, how I wanted to coach both my husband and my sons! I wanted the inside scoop on how things were going. Even asking “How was practice?” was enough for one of my sons to say, “Mom, I get football all day long and I don’t need to talk about it when I come home.” Don’t be surprised if your sons don’t want to talk about football or practice but keep being available and accessible and there will be windows of opportunity for important conversations.
Two important strategies helped me gain small glimpses into the windows of my teenagers’ souls: feeding and praying.
In the 1989 classic movie Field of Dreams, one famous line stands out: “If you build it, they will come.” Having a husband who coached football and baseball for 38 years, I quickly discovered the truthfulness of “If you feed them, they will come.” For both football and baseball state championship playoffs our home was host to our son’s closest group of 5-6 players. We had the same menu every week: chicken fingers, baked potatoes, nachos with cheese, Gator Ade, and homemade chocolate chip cookies. As long as the boys were winning, the menu didn’t change. The guys knew the drill. They came thru the basement, grabbed a Gator Ade, came upstairs, fixed a plate, and went downstairs to the den to eat. Everybody got a hug before they left. Our finances were limited, but the investment was worth every penny. I knew where my son was, who he was with, and what he was doing.
A second tool for effective building is just a question, but one that I still use with my adult children. Somehow the “How can I best pray for you?” question helped to lower teenage boys’ defenses.
Last week a dear friend and pillar within our local athletic community, was buried. The large church sanctuary was packed with many of the players, parents, and coaches from our 1998 & 99 state championship baseball and football teams. Teenagers that I had hugged and fed and loved and prayed for were now 43 & 44-year-old husbands and dads. Many of them just bear hugged me as they introduced me to their wives and children & caught my husband and me up on where they were living and what they are doing. Now they are building their own families.
Birdie James’ first VHHS Moms’ Night Out with her Mom and Dad
Finally, to build effectively we must be able to quickly recognize and address the five triggers for discouragement found in 1 Kings 19:
Fear
Fatigue
Frustration
Failure
Loss of focus
We build when we feed, pray, listen, and love-- all with the end in mind.
“Let us arise and build.” Nehemiah 2:18 (NAS)