The Lord My Shepherd
“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want."
Psalm 23:1 (NIV)
Watercolor by Gabriele Cook
My Mama's memory continues to slip further away from her and from us. Monday was the first time that Mama hadn't recognized me and that realization caught me off guard. I've been reading Dr. John Dunlop's excellent book Finding Grace in the Face of Dementia. Throughout his book, Dr. Dunlop attempts to educate and prepare caregivers for the realities associated with each stage of dementia. Along the way, he encourages caregivers to look for glimpses of God's grace in the day-to day and minute-to-minute care giving tasks.
Living in the moment has always been challenging to me, but never so much as now. Every phone call brings a knot to my stomach and sends my mind and heart racing to, "Now what?" for both Mama and James Bruce. I've finally come to the realization this week that both Mama and James Bruce are in God's hands, not mine; that I've done what I could (Mark 14:8); and I just have to leave the results in His hands.
I've been trying to recognize glimpses of God's grace this week as I've cared for Mama. Surprisingly, the evidence of God's grace hasn't been hard to find, once I began looking. With each glimpse, I've thanked God and the result has been joy in the midst of hardship and pain.
Here are just a few of my glimpses of God's grace this week:
Mama's Senior Pastor and his associate came unexpectedly yesterday to visit her. Mama remembered Pastor Gray and told him how much the church had meant to her through the years. Mama and Daddy married in 1949 and joined Hunter Street in 1950. Mama has been a member of that church for 69 years. Somehow, even in the fog of dementia, Mama was still grateful for her church's influence on her life. And I was grateful for a mega-church pastor who shepherds thousands loved well one 91 year old saint with dementia.
My church's LOVE ministry brought flowers to Mama on Monday. LOVE, an acronym for Ladies Out Visiting Everywhere, is our church's outreach ministry to shut-ins. What's unusual is that Mama's LOVE volunteer isn't a lady! Mr. Bill is a retired Secret Service agent who once served on President Ronald Reagan's protective detail. Mr. Bill has faithfully visited Mama each week for over five years. He not only delivers fresh flowers, he calls her his "little Munchkin;" occasionally sings Jesus Loves Me; and never leaves without a prayer. The greatest gift he brings is the gift of presence and that is the most important thing Mama needs right now.
This week's warmer temperatures and the first blooms of spring were not only a glimpse of God's grace, but a reminder that winter and seasons of life are temporary. Daffodils are blooming and I've seen my first robin of the spring. Both the flowers and the robin remind me of my childhood backyard. Mama loved working in the yard, planting flowers that would return year after year. She also loved sitting at the breakfast table, drinking coffee, and enjoying the daffodils and robins in our backyard.
A long low train whistle blew as I helped Mama this morning with her breakfast. The train whistle reminded me of my sweet Daddy who worked 34 years on the railroad. Mama no longer remembers Daddy's name or recognizes his picture, but the train whistle reminded me of my last promise to Daddy before he died. "Take care of Mama," he urgently pleaded. We have truly done what we could, not just to take care of her, but to honor her.
My sweet sister-in-law, a dietician, not only brought her traveling beauty shop to shampoo and style Mama's hair, but also helped me select a new room for Mama on the Memory Care unit.
Several "praying for you" cards with notes of encouragement arrived in my mail box this week. Author John Maxwell is right: Encouragement is oxygen to the soul!
Perhaps the greatest glimpse of God's grace came this morning as Mama and I worked through our daily reading of Psalm 23. With each line of the beloved Psalm, I read most of the words and Mama usually fills in the last word of each line. Our reading goes like this:
Donna: The Lord is my
Mama: Shepherd
Donna: I shall not
Mama: want
Donna: He leads me beside:
Mama: still waters
Donna: He restores
Mama: my soul.
When we finished the Psalm today, I suddenly realized that God isn't just Mama's Shepherd; He's mine too! I knew it before intellectually, but right now, in this season of suffering, I'm having to trust Him to lead, guide, provide, protect, feed, and bring rest and comfort for my very next step. I'm a fixer and I can't fix Mama's dementia or James Bruce's autism. I can, however, fix my eyes on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of my faith, trusting that He not only can, but will, work in me that which is pleasing to Him (Hebrews 13:21).
Wherever we are today, no matter our circumstances, King David's words are still true: The Lord is our Shepherd.
Glimpses of God's grace for God's glory!