By Design
“Everything you have given me
comes from you.”
John 17:7 (NIV)
Saturday morning I headed to church to attend a women’s retreat whose conference theme was By Design. I frequently speak at women’s retreats, but it had been a long time since I had attended one. I found my mind drifting during the speaker’s talk mainly because Saturday was also James Bruce’s birthday. My mind and heart were filled, not primarily with grief, but memories about James Bruce’s other 38 birthdays.
I’ve previously written (here and here) about the bittersweetness that accompanied James Bruce’s birthdays. I’m pretty sure that other special needs parents experience the same emotions. Some experts label those emotions “chronic sorrow.” It’s the grief that repeats itself again and again with long term care situations when there doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of the caregiving tunnel. It’s a living loss and the graveyard where a special needs parent’s hopes and dreams are buried for that child’s life.
At one point in her address our conference speaker asked us to turn in our Bibles to John 17. As I opened my Bible, I prayed for a “gold nugget.” A gold nugget is a takeaway, principle, insight, or application of truth that gives us help, hope, or encouragement. My goal when I teach other women is to equip and encourage; my goal as a student is to be equipped and encouraged. Our speaker began reading Jesus’ prayer from John 17. When she reached John 17:7, the words felt as if they jumped off the page and into my heart and soul:
“Everything you have given me comes from you.”
I pondered those words and kept turning them over in my mind and heart throughout the rest of Saturday afternoon.
James Bruce was born on February 1, but his February birthday was just one of six Evans’ birthdays that occur between January 21 and February 9. Two family members share a January 21 birthday. Bruce’s Mom, Mimi, celebrated her 97th birthday on January 30 and two of us have early February birthdays. Several years ago, we decided to consolidate and have one large family birthday dinner to celebrate all six birthdays.
My daughter hosted Saturday’s celebration. As I looked around the room, I kept thinking about the words from John 17:7: “Everything you have given me comes from you” and my heart almost burst with joy. Everything means everything – all of it given- by God’s design. Throughout the night I saw how much God has given me: a 49-year marriage to a faithful husband and father; three children who along with their spouses know, love, and serve God; four beautiful grandchildren who bring much joy and laughter; and the hope of a grandson due in early June. Beyond our family, God has given me my salvation through Jesus Christ and an assurance that I will spend eternity with him. He continues to give forgiveness for my sin; a delight in His Word; and a fruitful ministry of teaching, speaking and writing. Bruce and I are blessed with a strong community of believers and friends who love us dearly. We have extended family who also love and support us; young moms to mentor; and material resources that far exceed anything that we as young parents could have ever imagined.
God’s “everything” also includes James Bruce. All the hardship, suffering, and grief of special need parenting was a God-given gift. I couldn’t see it at the time. In fact, I resisted, resented, and rejected it at times. But it was all a gift from God by his design. Without James Bruce our family would be very different. James Bruce forced us all to press hard into God for strength and help each day. And out of our suffering, God brought joy and the opportunity to know Him better for who He is and what He can do. God was always enough in both James Bruce’s life and sudden death.
Yesterday I found myself repeating words from Andrae Crouch’s My Tribute:
”How can I say thanks for all the things You have done for me?
Things so undeserved yet You gave to prove Your love for me….
All that I am and ever hope to be, I owe it all to Thee.”
“For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever!” Romans 11:36
God-given gifts, by design!